Uninspired

Lately I’ve not been feeling very inspired.

By myself.

By the world.

I’ve been feeling the heaviness of pain and suffering, and offering a smile to greet the day isn’t always an authentic or welcomed choice.

I’ve felt a bit sad, lonely, bored even.

And it’s not for the lack of people around me.

However, the consistency of connection is not something I have control over, not quite yet for myself and definitely not for others.

Everyday is about practice in connecting to self, earth and spirit and I seem to rebel against routine at times.

Seeing that I’m writing here when I felt I had nothing to say, now seems as if it was necessary.

It’s also a practice to be open, honest, authentic, vulnerable.

I choose to practice these in the ebb and flow that my emotions take me on.

Riding the wave peeps. Rising above the waves.

💖🦄🌸🧚‍♀️🌈

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Perfectionism

Last Friday, May 3, I noticed that I was experiencing feelings of inadequacy. I wasn’t feeling confident. I was in a place of self judgement. It didnt feel very good.

I was headed out that evening for a birthday dinner for a dear girlfriend of mine and I noticed I was looking for acceptance. I wasn’t feeling great around what I was wearing and wasn’t loving a single thing in my closet. I pushed myself to wear something outside of my comfort zone, recognizing as I stood there in the mirror, that I was very proud of what I had accomplished. Not just in how I viewed my body, but how I didnt want to hide and that what I was doing was for myself.

I did seek approval at that dinner and talked about it to a new friend across the table.

I held my head up and shoulders back when I walked, even though a good part of me felt like hiding.

I have really realized I had been hiding a good part of my life.

As mentioned in my last post, I am focused on next-level.

A lot of this practice seems to be linked with the concept of perfectionism.

As discussed in the current book I’m reading by Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection – Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, I can recognize how much of my life-paralysis has been rooted in Please. Perform. Perfect.

Ech. Just writing that brings up this funny feeling in the back of my throat. An odd feeling of disgust. I have missed so many opportunities because I’ve been afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. The fear of failing (and succeeding), making mistakes and disappointing others had been a core belief a good part of my childhood.

I think we all face it.

But looking back at my life of depression, anxiety and addiction (of all kinds) was definitely created through the culprit of perfection (shame is the parent).

Bigger conversation to be had here, but I needed to acknowledge this for self right now.

I was praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-folliwing, people-pleasing, appearance). I mean really, aren’t many of us?

Somewhere along the way I adopted the belief: I am what I accomplish and how well I do so.

It’s taken a lot of reconditioning to set boundaries and be authentic while also staying vulnerable in order to connect (really noticing this last one lately). Much of this has come from exploring my fears, paying attention to my self-talk and self-improving.

As I wrote this, I sat quietly by the water drinking some home brewed kombucha, Lucy by my side, listening to Jamie Woon – Waterfront (highly recommend checking out his music).

Enjoy friends.

Gratitude

Forewarning: this is a long, twisty, stream-of-thought sort of post. It may not be followed by all, so don’t be hard on yourself or feel confused.

It’s the evening of Thursday, May 2. It was an energy balancing day. The body felt heavy and slow but I had a lot I wanted to accomplish both at work and personally.

Around lunch time my energy had tanked. I got some work done for my mom and then headed home to take miss poochy-pooch out for her walkies. She always lifts my spirits, but today was a two-coffee kinda day. Same went for a coworker of mine. I picked us up some coffees and headed back in.

It was a two-coffee kinda day.

Halfway through my almond milk cinnamon cloud macchiato, my energy started to pick up and I accomplished some big goals. By the time work was over, I had made a decision about something.

At the beginning of the week, I had decided I was going to do a yin yoga class at my old studio on Granville Island when I lived there. My body hadn’t been able to handle yoga classes (only some home-based short stretching) for the last two years due to some injuries, and I had to ask for extensions on my passes more than once. I’m grateful the studio allowed that, so it’s another reason I like to go back there.

Not only is it a lovely space set on the second floor of a pier and across the water from David Lam Park, but it’s a piece of my old neighbourhood that I really loved.

It’s reminiscent of the great big lessons I learned while living there, plus a lot of happy self-returning time.

My energy began to wane after about Tuesday. Lucy and I had gone for a walk to a local park nearby and whilst about to begin our return home, as I was walking, I was suddenly hit with a wave of energy. I swear Lucy felt it too.

I felt so heavy that I could barely lift up my legs. I slugged myself to a water fountain, grabbed some water and hung out in the shade a bit. My energy had been picking up since then but I’d been dragging.

So, as the week went on, my likelihood of heading to this class was declining by the minute. Thursday was no different. Work was slammed and, and, and, and… but I had made a commitment to myself.

Do I really need the rest, or do I need to push myself just a little? There was a bigger picture.

“Girl?” I said to myself, “If you keep saying no cuz you’re scared, where’s that gonna get you?

No where.

Where do you wanna go?

What do you wanna do?” (This related more to life in general over the yoga class, but it was what I needed to hear.)

Well, I have a good idea of what I want to do, but it’s not solid for me to act on, so, I do nothing.

I’ve decided I have to step up.

After coming back from lunch, I had my hands busy with coffee cups and one of my coworkers had the door open for me before I even got there.

I said thank you, then turned back to him as I walked down the hallway and said “That was next-level. That was really appreciated. Thanks again.”

He smiled and gleefully said “Ha ha! You’re so welcome!”

On my walk after work, this idea hit me.

“It’s time to be next level.”

“What are the next small steps I desire to take to lead me closer to my passion?”

I want to push it just a little extra.

So, I got myself to that yoga class.

It was run by a sub-you named Eric. Still a yin-class, but different than I’m used to.

And it was soooo good. It pushed me next level.

If you dont know yin, it’s the feminine practice of yoga. It’s slow and poses are held many times longer (minutes at a time).

It takes patience and a listening and deep connection with the body.

Quieting the mind takes practice. Learning to be slow takes practice. Belly breathing takes practice. Being mindful of words to self takes practice.

Many yin classes bring me to tears.

They test pieces of me that I hide due to keeping myself busy and through distracting.

I have to say, there’s something about being in community doing practice with others, that is not only so unifying, but vulnerable.

Everytime I take time to connect with self, it blooms into something so beautiful. I gently smiled with my eyes closed the entire class. I was being seen and was seeing at a whole other level.

I have begun a daily practice around Gratitude. It’s a group I joined on Facebook through a friend I follow and it’s to share 5 different things I’m grateful for, for 30 days.

Thursday gave me a lot to be thankful for.

After yoga, I took a walk around the island. I was sad about leaving there, but also so grateful that I manifested that time there on my own for a while. I had formerly lived there with a partner and loved it so much. That area was a part of me more than anywhere else I had ever lived. Vancouver is definitely my home.

I saw one person only. I loved how quiet the early mornings and evenings were on Granville Island. Right on the water, I had found the secret side on the opposite of the market and used it most days to meditate and walk Lucy off-leash.

I saw a heron and watched it for a while, as the dragon-boaters rowed by, heading into dock for the night.

The great blue heron was a strong totem for me there. They lived in the pines on the Southside of the Island. Their prehistoric sound and look enamored me, and watching their expansive wings and curved body skim over the water of False Creek always stopped me in my tracks.

They mean stability for me. Deep grounding. Strength. Longevity. Purpose. Staying the course.

Their long skinny legs so rooted to the earth and water, holding their large feathered bodies, elegantly moving along rocks at the waters edge, watching for food.

My heart was already full from class, and then this picturesque beauty showed itself.

To end the night, I had plans to meet a girlfriend for some Burgoo comfort food. We talked big topics over shared a grilled cheese and kale cesar, alongside some Grace gingerbeer and followed by strawberry cheesecake (omg so good).

I am grateful for her company, truth, vulnerability and wise words.

I’ve found it more important to make closer connections. To be less fearful of sharing my truths.

Did you know the most important human need is relationships?

This is a whole other topic to cover another time…

Have you noticed how I’m following my conceived alphabet in a very new order? 😜

“To be vulnerable is to connect. If my purpose is to love, then so it is.” ~ Jennifer Marie Luce

💖 I would love to hear from you. Positive and constructive comments and discussion is always welcome.

What I like about myself

Whenever a certain friend of mine stops by, a certain kind of magic happens. The things I’ve been pondering about gather greater clarity. I tend to have big realizations which tend to be bookended by some major letting go.

The other night was no different.

I chose to pull a deck of cards to do a reading for her. One that I’ve never used before, Chrysalis Tarot. Her reading was sublime and somehow didn’t include a single card from the Major and Minor Arcana. It honestly made no sense.

I picked my card from another deck, Doreen Virtue’s Angel Therapy Oracle Cards. I chose the Earth Angel card that had a blonde haired woman with a crystal ball in front of her and the symbols from my friend’s deck…

What?

It spoke of my purpose as an Earth Angel which is to teach others how to love.

Fundamentally, that is what I do. But on a deeper level, it’s about learning how to love oneself.

I’m in the final stages of completing a chapter for a new series of books called Earth Angels (yeah, no joke here, given the card I pulled, and who I truly believe my spirit to be), and was talking to my friend about how the process was. It’s very different than the major catharsis I experienced from the one I wrote in Heartmind Wisdom a few years back. I’m honoured to have been invited back to share it again, but I was done with the old. It was time to share more about my journey from the end of that timeline, to now. A lot has shifted.

I hadn’t told my friend that the book name was Earth Angels.

Minds blown!

I digress.

The idea of the card was that I felt as if I didn’t belong and may be a bit lost, which has been true again of late (see last week’s post). But that I didnt need to share a single thing to accomplish this. Simply, i was to share love with others. And in order to better assist others to learn to love, that I needed to fully embrace what that felt like for myself for me and my life.

The exercise attached to the card, was to to write down all the big and little things I liked about myself.

I found it hard at first.

Hmm.

1. My blue eyes.
2. My smile.
3. That I’m organized.
4. I’m kindhearted.
5. I’m compassionate.
6. I’m caring.
7. I’m funny.
8. I’m creative.

Then I honestly had to take a minute and get more creative. It started to flow. I had filled up a page with items in two columns totalling 52 things. I thought, “maybe there’s more…” and continued onto another page. After another 10 or so minutes, that page was also full.

The next step was to cross out the word ‘like’ and replace it with ‘love.’

Ok, so, 104 things I like love about myself.

Not a bad start. I’m going to type it up and put it somewhere I can see it everyday. I desire to truly love all these things. Cuz, to share peace with the world, I must first be at peace with myself.

INVITATION:

What are some of the things you like about yourself?

May this be a time of honest self-reflection (nobody else needs to see this list) and a meditation on self-love for you. Don’t be scared. It’s not an exhaustive list. Maybe there are some items you would like to have on it. That’s not the exercise. You can deal with those later.

Focus on what you like about you now.

Belonging

One of our core needs as human beings is to belong. To be a part of something. To be included. To fit in.

It’s a big topic. One that’s been coming up a lot for myself and those around me. One that’s a main topic in a book I’m reading by Brené Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection – Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

Many of us fight a good part of our childhood to get noticed and appreciated.

We struggle even further through our teens and young adulthood.

Then, when we make it through the supposed preprogrammed supposed-to-do’s, how many of us are left wondering what happened to our passions and finding purpose?

Tonight I watched an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” and the topic of ‘satisficer’ or accepting an available option as satisfactory, really fit in with my thoughts of late.

It seems as if the need to belong, creates a disconnect or detachment from many of us understanding who we are and what we like. In order to keep others happy, and not step on anybody’s toes, or ruffle any feathers, we don’t show who we really are and get bogged down by what society, religion, friends and family seem to like. We do what we think others like, to keep the peace, even at the sake of our own happiness.

The parody around midlife crisis, empty-nestness or retirement is no joke. I see and hear it in every generation. I hear it in my own head wondering what it is I need to do to move further towards my dreams.

I never got married or had a family. I no longer have a home that I own. I’m not in the job I really thought I might be in.

I kinda fell into what I thought I was supposed to do.

But the fact that I don’t have any of those things I thought I was supposed to have, does seem to go against the norm. In some ways I feel like I fit in less than I thought I did when I was being somebody else for everyone else, than being the who I want to be for me, now.

It’s a conundrum of sorts.

You still following?

I’d like to continue to explore this topic over a few posts as it seems there’s a lot to be said.

I think it may follow the line of the ABC’s.

ACCEPTANCE

BOUNDARIES

COMPASSION

Let’s see what else comes up. Stay with me now and please take part in the discussion.

How many of you are seemingly lost?

Let me and our chats be the proverbial lighthouse to assist in guiding you on your path, as I travel mine.

What do I say?

So, lots of lessons to integrate these last few weeks.

The Universe gave me another little kick, and it’s interesting how it settles into the body. Where it shows as a disconnect. A minor trauma to be paid attention to.

It’s actually quite beautiful.

It’s coming first and foremost that I want to continue my work in creativity because it opens such a passion within me.

I have so much gratitude for all the people that are showing up, well, and ultimately that I’m showing up to meet them.

So many beautiful spirits that I’ve desired to cross a path with and connect to.

A friend last night recommended that I start to take better record of myself when I speak. I’ve been channeling a lot and I’m not recalling much or anything.

Another friend is communicating while on The Camino. So amazing. Such a beautiful opportunity for opening.

I seem to be desiring one of my own as well. Spirit is guiding me to do a journey and I have an opportunity to do so in June, just after my 41st birthday.

Random conversations these days have me questioning so much. Do I dare say I’m lost? Further conversations with friends going through similar experiences in this time of major change and transition assist me in feeling completely on path. Such an interesting conundrum.

I have so much gratitude for my community. Those that I’m learning have my back. My tribe.

I get so excited to look through my connections and see how much we have in common. So much awareness, consciousness, abundance. Living life fully with adventure, joy, acceptance, glee. So much more. I don’t want to put it in a box.

My oily, witchy, fairy, dragon tribe. So much gratitude 🦄💐🕉♊💖

Unraveling to ecstacy

I sit here in tears of sadness and joy. Grateful my cries in silence are heard when you can’t see the salty water slide down my cheeks. Felt when you aren’t near.

I’m not alone even though I may wallow.

Dear one, you have learned to listen and not restrain. I am proud of you. You are proud of you.

Get ready to cross into the light.

Unabashedly.