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So, lots of lessons to integrate these last few weeks.

The Universe gave me another little kick, and it’s interesting how it settles into the body. Where it shows as a disconnect. A minor trauma to be paid attention to.

It’s actually quite beautiful.

It’s coming first and foremost that I want to continue my work in creativity because it opens such a passion within me.

I have so much gratitude for all the people that are showing up, well, and ultimately that I’m showing up to meet them.

So many beautiful spirits that I’ve desired to cross a path with and connect to.

A friend last night recommended that I start to take better record of myself when I speak. I’ve been channeling a lot and I’m not recalling much or anything.

Another friend is communicating while on The Camino. So amazing. Such a beautiful opportunity for opening.

I seem to be desiring one of my own as well. Spirit is guiding me to do a journey and I have an opportunity to do so in June, just after my 41st birthday.

Random conversations these days have me questioning so much. Do I dare say I’m lost? Further conversations with friends going through similar experiences in this time of major change and transition assist me in feeling completely on path. Such an interesting conundrum.

I have so much gratitude for my community. Those that I’m learning have my back. My tribe.

I get so excited to look through my connections and see how much we have in common. So much awareness, consciousness, abundance. Living life fully with adventure, joy, acceptance, glee. So much more. I don’t want to put it in a box.

My oily, witchy, fairy, dragon tribe. So much gratitude 🦄💐🕉♊💖

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I sit here in tears of sadness and joy. Grateful my cries in silence are heard when you can’t see the salty water slide down my cheeks. Felt when you aren’t near.

I’m not alone even though I may wallow.

Dear one, you have learned to listen and not restrain. I am proud of you. You are proud of you.

Get ready to cross into the light.

Unabashedly.

I hear your voice. Smell your sweet scent. See the sparkle in your smile and eyes.

You have not been far dear one. Only clouded by perception and attachment.

Be free.

Be free to feel all.

Be in the moment.

Allow life to reign true.

Connect with that heart of gold that is one with others.

Breathe. And breathe deeper. Deepest into your sense of self.

You are not as far away as you think.



It has been much too long since I’ve written. In fact, according to my last post, it’s been exactly one year and six months and 22 days.

Today is April 29, 2018. In numerology it’s a powerful day because:

  • April is the 4th month which vibrates for me as meaning stability and order, which also connects to the heart in Qigong (virtues of peace, order and harmony) and the 4th chakra in Eastern teachings.
  • 29=11 when added together (2+9=11) and so does 2018 (2+0+1+8=11). 11 is a Master Number and is my Blueprint Destiny number (if you do the math here, my birthday adds up to 38 which when added together (3+8) also equals an 11. 11 means a lesson around balance – specifically balancing the material world with the spiritual one. 11’s are visionaries and realizing my vision is still a work in process. It’s around developing my intuition and attuning to the purpose I was born to fulfill.

I have to say I’ve been lost.

It’s also a full moon today, I believe going into Scorpio? Mystic Mamma calls it Labyrinthine pathways

What a long strange trip it’s been.
From moon to moon whole worlds change.
Inter-galactic travel between
the deepest levels of the soul.
Needing to face the end of what we’ve known
but not knowing how to begin.
Prayer opens us.
Guidance is readily available.
But the key is listening.
And being willing to let go
to allow the river to flow
and shape the new
valley ahead.
We can sense the freedom
of that alignment on the other side,
but first we face our fears.
Labyrinthine pathways hold the promise
that awaits on this passage toward alignment
with deepest part of our soul.
For getting to know our deepest Self,
is what this journey is all about.
The more truthful we can become,
the more empowered we will feel,
and suddenly…
a loosening of the grip,
and into the unknown,
new places of discovery
we’ll go…
But first,
Anchor into Self,
with love, love,
love, love,
love.

Yes, letting go. Isn’t that a lesson I’ve been learning for the last several years. In fact, just a few years ago I really didn’t understand what it meant to ‘let go.’ I didn’t imagine it was possible. In order for me to even begin to understand what it meant, I had to put a print out on my bedroom bookshelf that I would read each morning as I woke up

I accept that I’m not aware of how to let go.

And I’m now ready and willing to receive the exact help I need.

SHOW ME THE WAY!

Funny thing about the power in words. The first sentence used to read “I accept that I don’t know how to let go. Did you know how much intention exists in the words we think, speak and write? More than you can imagine. Think of how the word ‘know’ sounds. Sounds a lot like ‘no’ doesn’t it? So, if I say that I know something…I really don’t do I?

In order for me to get this published while it’s still April 29, I think I just have to publish this now the way that it is. Each blog post is really just an extension of the one prior, so let’s consider this a Part 1 to a continuation of me beginning to write and express to the world again.

So I shall bid you adieu for the night. Happy Full Moon.

This art piece shows composition.  It shows a wolf howling at the moon, it's evening time, and it looks like owls are flying about.

Hooooowwwwwllll to the moon (like I do every month). It’s really quite freeing.

****Written at the beginning of September 2016****

I want to talk about addiction. Not likely what you consider to be the general idea of addiction.

For the last two years I’ve told people I’ve been in recovery and many will ask if I’ve been in rehab. I answer “yes, but not likely the way you think.”

I’ve had many addictions over the years. as a human, I think it’s part of our condition to latch onto something that makes us feel good. Whether it’s coffee, chocolate, sex, alcohol, self-medicating, or work, it’s all addiction.

I’d never thought of the fact that I’d also been addicted to feeling a certain way.

My mentor Joseph Ghabi has often mentioned that I’m too comfortable in the discomfort, meaning that I’ve been conditioned or ‘programmed’ to feel and act a certain way based on experiences in my life, regardless of whether they were healthy or not.

It’s been just about a decade since a cancer diagnosis that threw me off my trajectory as a young 29 year old, and I’ve just recognized that I’m almost nearing the point where I’ve reclaimed my body since treatment knocked the life out of me. I didn’t recognize that after my illness, that I couldn’t treat my body or mind the same way again. I continued to push and over three and half years ago, landed a position in a job that I’d thought I’d wanted. I hadn’t fully healed from my experience yet, so throwing myself into that was like burying myself in a dungeon, and a vortex that I completely lost who I thought I was.

Up until a few months ago, the darkness had persisted more than I would’ve liked, though I never let up with persisiting to work through all the pieces that had been broken off and woven into a web of denial and angst.

Not wanting to let go of anything or knowing how to, I allowed myself to be labeled as depressed, anxious and burnt out. Even a ‘cancer survivor’ created walls around me.

I’ve learned that in many ways, my inability to express my emotions and repressing feelings, psychosomatically manifested itself into the variety of symptoms and illnesses I’ve had over the years. A very tough pill to swallow in terms of taking ownership and responsibility for my life – good and bad.

This 10 year clear landmark has left me feeling uncertain and out of place, not wanting to discuss much or celebrate and today I’ve understood why.

Through a lot of hard work with a variety of wellness and holistic practitioners, I’ve let go of a lot of what’s held me back from being the best version of myself. Through spiritual work and connection to myself and pieces of my spirit that have in the past been scattered through trauma, I’ve been reconnecting and healing, hence the ‘in recovery.’

I’ve realized that the anxiety I feel at this 10 year mark is because I’m afraid of letting go of what’s left of feeling victimized and afraid to move forward in my strength and increased capability. I’ve been comfortable in the discomfort, but I now realize how freaking amazing it feels to be comfortable in the comfort and peace I’ve worked so hard towards. I’m not 100% there yet, but awareness is always key and I have loads of that.

I have so much gratitude for those that have crossed my path this year. There have been a few challenges, but nothing I can’t handle. I’ve recognized how much I’ve needed to change my perception and keep on top of those nasty thoughts by that little lady sitting on my shoulder. “You’re not good enough,” she says. “You can’t do that!” “Who do you think you are?” she screams. “You’re not worthy or deserving of goodness.” Pfft. I have to say, if I said that to a friend of mine, I highly doubt I’d be that person’s friend anymore, right? So, what makes it ok to say those things to myself?

NOTHING. Not a DAMN thing! Ok, so now that we’ve got that straightened out, you ask “How the heck do you change the voice of that little person yelling into your ear from your shoulder?”

And I answer: Change the way you think.

Ahhhh, yes, changing your belief systems. Not as simple as it may sound.

Many of us grew up hearing those similar things from our parents, teachers, peers, boyfriends, girlfriends, co-workers, media, television, etc. The list goes on. What we heard before we were around the age of eight has likely so deeply permeated into your sense of being, you’ve forgotten that it’s not even yours.

Where do you think you heard “you’ll never make anything as an artist,” “money doesn’t grow on trees,” “you have to work hard to be successful?” Chances are, it was from your parents. Now, I’m not giving parents a bad rap here, they were doing the best they could with what they knew. But now you are aware of something better.

I’ve been on the path of adjusting my limiting belief systems and old patterns and it’s bit by bit, day by day. Every moment is a chance for me to change everything and it all started with my thoughts. I’ve gotten rid of the words ‘try’ and ‘know’ from my vocabulary because they’re limiting. To the Universe ‘know’ equals ‘no.’ No chance I’m going to move anywhere or learn anything if I think I ‘know’ everything. And ‘trying’ isn’t going to get me anywhere either is it?

The great Yoda once said “Do or do not, there is no try.”

There’s a lot more I could write about this topic, and I will in future posts, but for now, I have an attitude of gratitude for those that keep me in check for my negative thoughts. Everything is the Law of Attraction. That which I think about most becomes a thing. In other words, whatever I think about, manifests into the present and future.

Be careful of what you think and say and one of the most important tools I’ve added to my daily practice is, do a gratitude journal right before bed. I’m thinking about what I’m most thankful for before I go to sleep, which means I’m focused on that for however long I’m in dreamland. Colin Sprake’s 3 Day Business Mastery – Power in You got me started on 30 Days to More…Success, Gratitude, Big Dreams & Happiness. I look forward to it every night before I go to bed.

Thanks for reading.

In light, love and laughter.

Jennifer Marie

But I’m not. While being sick wasn’t how I imagined I’d ring in the New Year, it has given me an interesting lesson. I had been fighting this bug off for several days before Christmas and given all the festivities planned, wasn’t entertaining the idea that I would get sick. I did my daily Morter March, Qigong set and PEMF treatments (more on that in another post). After all the things planned had gone off without a hitch, strangely my mind started to believe getting sick was possible. 

 The daily sore throat wasn’t going away, the body aches became more severe and on the Eve of New Year’s Eve, it hit me. Boy was I ever resentful of who I could’ve possibly gotten sick from.

The thought process of feeling resentful only hindered my ability to fight it off and after midnight hit January 1, I was curled up in bed under at least seven layers of cuddly goodness. My partner lay next to me, sipping his New Years libation, the screen of his smart phone too much for even my closed eyes to bare. Yep, I was an irritated, drippy mess.
 

That day I had pushed myself and changed plans last minute to spend some time with my dad in the US. We don’t see each other too often, namely based on childhood and adulthood tensions, but I had some paperwork he needed ASAP. Thankfully Stefan drove down and we spent several hours setting up and then playing on his Nintendo WII. I had fun, but deep down I recognized I’d done it again – not listened to myself while my body was screaming at me.

image
Stefan had fun rocking the guitar on WII Rock Band. 

More often than not, I give away my personal power to help or make other people feel better. Some of the time I feel good about it, but others, there’s a strong resentment which makes me realize I need to bring the power back to myself.

Feeling unhappy about a decision I had made wasn’t going to do me any good moving forward, so I decided to change my thinking. (I truly thank Joseph Ghabi and Stefan Sczyrba for their help and persistence on this topic). Instead of being upset for being sick, I began to see I had choice of the possible positive side of the situation.

“What in heavens would be the positive side of being sick?” you ask. 

Well, think of it this way. The body is purging that which no longer supports it to it’s highest frequency. That which doesn’t allow it to provide the greatest good for itself and all it serves.

Changes things a bit doesn’t it?

In essence, all the energy work I’ve been doing this last year and a half, effects all forms of what makes us human: the Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual bodies (or PEMS for short).

Making a change in one, effects them all.

I found a really interesting article by a Shaman that explains this in more detail: The Energy Purge: Feeling Sick After Energetic or Spiritual Work?

Upon undergoing an energetic change in your energetic body, in this case, we are referring the healing in which low energy is removed and replaced with high energy, there is a change in the other two bodies – and often, there is a lag time between the changes.

This is the energy purge. You are purging old, low energy and replacing it with new, healed, high energy.

it happens first, in an energy healing, at the level of energy.and then, it has to reverberate through the other two bodies – the physical and the spiritual.

An energy purge occurs on ALL levels when you undergo an energy healing, because all are connected and all levels are comprised of energy. There is often a lag with this, because it takes time for your physical and spiritual bodies to adjust to and begin to shift their old states of being to the the new tale that the energy is telling.

Your physical body and your spiritual body have to shift out old, low states, too. Because these are the states that once matched your old energetic state.

So tonight, a few days later and still purging, I’m gentle with myself, asking for help when I need it and not pushing. So off to bed I go, with so many more ideas of what to write bouncing through my head…I could write for days on these topics. 

I would love to hear about your experiences with this and any thoughts you may have about the topic. Let’s engage!

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