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Archive for the ‘YACN’ Category

at life.

Through the twists and turns we sometimes feel as if we can’t handle another day of whatever it is that’s going on.

And then I think about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and the endless possibilities ahead of me, and I appreciate every millisecond of it.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I treat my body the best I can, but I definitely treat my mind and soul to what I need.

Phew, these last four months have been busy. It’s been good. I’m happy to state that I’ve had consistently high energy levels for some time now and feeling good.

Let’s see, what has happened?

We’ve lost a few people from the community: Kirsten, Megan and Jean to name a few.

Kirsten was my inspiration for writing poetry. And I’ve just recently felt the push to start on my book again.

The original reason for this blog was actually to post excerpts from my book and request your thoughts. It just never happened and I’m remiss to say that I haven’t touched the book since last May. And it was just a touch. I opened the file, took a quick read and closed it.

I didn’t like what I’d read.

With time, I’ve realized that I need to understand the perspective I was writing from almost 2.5 years ago.

Lynne Tapper, Ian’s sister, just published her book “Living with feet too big for a glass slipper“. It’s exciting to see something published. I really dream for that. I just wish I had the time – well, I need to make it. I always put education ahead of writing.

In fact, I put education in front of several things – making jewellery, rest, pottery, poetry. Well, that’s life right? I’m trying to catch up a bit.

November – February, I ran my butt in the ground.  The Supervisory Training Certificate Program project is done. The Employee Services Intranet Portal will be implemented in the next few months. And all I get is a stupid t-shirt. I mean, three credits towards the Leadership Certificate Program at BCIT.

With Wrong Way to Hope beginning it’s North American tour this past Sunday, I’m stoked to be getting a tour t-shirt to sport around proudly!

March 20 marked the start of the tour and the screening at The Ridge theatre in Kerrisdale was well attended by over 250 people. Myself and four others gave two minute speeches post screening. Good questions asked.

I’m also happy to state that Mikey and I made it onto Urban Rush this week, 12, 5, 7 and 11 on Shaw, Channel 4. If you don’t get a chance to check it out, see the film on Youtube.

And Karin Dubois wrote an amazing article in the Georgia Straight on Saturday, March 19.

I will post again soon. I have lots to chat about, but I think this post is already long enough.

Love to you all. I couldn’t do it without all your support. YA’s rock!

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I’ve been neglecting this wonderful way for me to stay connected, especially now that I’m a star! Lol.

Far from it honestly. I think people just play around with the fact that I’ve been on the news (Global TV BC – Health Headlines, October 28, 2010), and that the film Wrong Way to Hope has officially premiered in the States and Canada this past month.

Speaking of which, there has been a lot going on since I last posted here in September. Two weeks went by and there were plans to attend the US Premiere with Jared and Vikram on October 8. Unfortunately, only less than a week prior to that date, one of the film stars passed away.

Alston Adams, this is to you dear friend. Someone who allowed me to see myself for who I was, and who I’d become, and allowing me to be open to the idea of a “God”.

I miss you dear friend. Miss all of those I’ve lost. So many this year. Goodness.

Since the beginning of October, things have been moving quickly…too quickly almost.

At the end of October, I held a screening of the film at City Hall. Only a few people showed up, but I’m thankful for that. I was so nervous!

Sach even brought me a bouquet of flowers! Thanks so much! I LOVE flowers!

Lost another dear friend just a few weeks ago – Maria Dizon. Spent time with her at retreats as a peer supporter, as a fellow retreat participant, as a friend and as a learner of life. I will miss you so much.

I’m so thankful I had all the time I did with you sweetie. Wish I could’ve spent more time with you. Your service was beautiful. I even met an old friend of mine! I know you were a part of that.

So, since then, I’ve been trying to stay sane, and round up all the information to finish this Supervisory Training Certificate Program project that started last September. Yes, last September! It’s been so hard to have the break for the Olympics, and then try to keep everyone motivated enough to finish the work. Just a few more months left of this darned thing, then maybe I can carry on with my life. I feel like everything’s been on hold – the gym, my book, my art, moving forward.

Sigh, but really, I don’t have much to complain about, do I?

Well, some interesting news on the health front. I had several lovely phone calls from my oncologist sometime towards the end of September…not too long before I found out about Alston’s death. Thursday I got the phone calls. I couldn’t figure out what she would be calling me about. Then I remembered that I’d had my checkup at the beginning of September, and she’d done a pap. Friday morning I also got a call from my GP stating that I had a moderately abnormal pap.

Crap! Really? So, I have an appointment on November 29 to get a Colposcopy. Not so much worried about the test, I’m worried about what they’ll find. Could this mean I have to start thinking about child bearing options – again? Goodness. I really don’t want to go down that road.

So, I called the office, hoping I wouldn’t have to wait till the end of November. They put me on the cancellation list. Have they called me back yet? No, of course not.

So, I’ve not been sleeping incredibly well, and my night sweats are back. Back to the doctor’s on Monday to ask about some medication to help. I can’t work and live while waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours. Ugh! My body is so frustrating. I know it’s very likely anxiety, and that I don’t deal with stress well anymore. But, how am I supposed to have a life?

You can see I’m a little upset, but I’ll be fine right? Right! I have a wonderful community and a fabulous support network. I just really hope that all is well. And now, it’s off to bed for me. Another boring Saturday, involving some drama with the man this past week. I’ll be glad for this month to be over. For this year to be over in fact. Overall, it’s been good for me, but not for so many around me. I want that to stop. I want everything to be good for everyone.

Love to you all.

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September 14, 2010 – Where does the time go?

I already sound repetitive, when I say that it’s already September 14. I can’t believe the time is going by so fast.

So many things have happened since August 21, it’s almost frightening. But we keep clambering on. We’re not much different from ants are we? Fighting to make our homes as beautiful and comfortable as possible. Following each other. Always trying to do better, and bring more home.

We spend our lives trying to acquire more things, when all we really need, is the understanding that we are all in this together, and we’re all doing the best that we can with what we have.  We all have the capacity to love each other, if only we’d allow it to happen instead of being so scared. I guess the Zen life is making a lot more sense to me these days.

I was fortunate enough to come across a pack of cards at Callanish, that I was able to borrow and take home for further analysis.  It’s called the Zen Koan Card Pack by Timothy Freke. I’m being taught about Zen, or Chan, as it used to be called in the 5th century BCE. My meditation teacher, William, practiced under Sheng-yen. I just read all about him. He was interested in teaching Buddhism in a modern, and western-influenced world.

I’m excited to be a part of it. Maybe it’s called the Western Chan Fellowship? Don’t see any connections to Canada though.

Anyways, I get so easily side tracked by doing research online while I’m writing. It’s really a horrible habit. It’s like watching TV while you’re on the phone. How rude. We really owe the decency to pay attention to those that should be our priority at any given moment.

We aren’t a polite group of people anymore. I remember growing up, and never being able to say a word to people around me. I had to stay safe of course. But, a problem of mine since I’ve been quite young, is that people really love to talk to me. About anything. I somehow had a woman at a bus-stop open up to me and tell me about how she lost her son. I was devastated! Until now, I always get people stopping me for directions, or to tell me about god, or to just pass the time. I’m a friendly face, when I feel like being friendly. The years have hardened me to be somewhat cold and reserved.

Sept. 2010 Sunset

Beautiful colours in the sky

This discrimination towards myself, only heightens the fight for me to be all that I can be. So cliche, I know, but it needed to be said. I really am trying to be all that I can be. I want to be able to share my love for the world with everyone around me. Help those that need it. Make a difference in many lives, if only for a brief time. And, though I can complain incessantly about my job, I am incredibly happy to be able to be excellent at what I do, and help others on my time off. Keep connected. Have a life. Live it!

My energy is coming back. I feel like I don’t know what to do with it all! I’m off allergy pills, caffeine and tea (herbal, etc.), wheat, gluten and dairy. I feel pretty dang fantastic! Getting back into the gym….dare I say it….finally, and I’m so excited!

I have to say that I am a bit nervous though about the impending fall. Don’t get me wrong, I’m dang happy to have any kind of weather right now. I’m feeling really lucky to be here and to be blossoming yet again!

Back to the discrimination thing again. I’m not there yet. It’s a constant appreciation of life…though that doesn’t sound hard, we seem to be inherently negative. Or is it just me?

But really. When it comes down to it…it’s all about:

Usually I’m humble, right now I don’t choose.
You can leave with me, or you could have the blues.
Some call it arrogance, I call it confidence.
You decide what you find, I’m what I’m working with….

It’s too big!
It’s too wide!
It’s too strong!
It won’t fit!
It’s too much!
It’s too tough!
I talk like this cuz I can back it up.
I’ve gotta big ego.
Such a huge ego.
But he loves my big ego, it’s too much
I walk like this cuz I can back it up.

Sorry, Beyonce always seems to come in when I get into that rant.

But really.

It’s not good enough!
It’s too cold!
It’s too hot!
I’m too tired!

Holy cow! People just don’t stop. And I’m no innocent. I’m a culprit just like the rest of them. Though I’m trying to learn to change. I’m happy to be trying.

And now for a few photos…

Liz Sept 2010

Liz turned 10 in June!

Lucy posing Sept 2010

September 2010

Liz Sept 2010

Trying to show her beautiful blue eyes

Peacock Sept 2010

Beauty of blue

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June 20, 2010

I was fortunate enough to have a ticket donated to me for last night’s “Spacious Heart,” a benefit put on to raise money for Callanish Society, a non-profit organization that provides retreats, support groups and a variety of other resources to those dealing with cancer. Thank you so much to Ms. Oglav for allowing me to attend when I wouldn’t have been able to afford it.

Being at the Museum of Anthropology in the sun, with wine and cheese and smiles with good friends reminded me of how spacious my heart is. I’m still basking in the love I felt and received from Retreat Yourself West 2010. Janie Brown, the Executive Director of Callanish, spoke of the ability for the heart to give and receive limitless amounts of love and compassion. She again spoke of the four conditions of the heart:  I am really doing my best to manifest these conditions, in fact, I’m so much more free to open my heart now, I see it everywhere around me. The beauty in everything.

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Or, the lack thereof.

I had an amazing weekend with the most beautiful group of young adults. I can’t say I’ve ever held so much love for so many people all at once. I’m a few days back from Retreat Yourself 2010, an initiative by Young Adult Cancer Canada, and I’m feeling so loved and future-bound.

I feel as though I’ve pushed down the blockades around me, and that I’m moving towards living truly in myself and for the greater purpose. I know that my purpose is to help guide others. I’m so grateful to have found that out over the last year or two. I believe that Cancer was the propellant for me to go deep within and really pay attention to what I have to share. To live so that I am truly happy and connected to the heart.

I also know that I’m learning the tools that are imperative for all stages of my life, and that I’m fortunate to have such wonderful mentors and friends. I feel enlightened and that another piece of me has opened more fully. I can take deeper breaths and not feel so tight in my chest.

The day after I came back, I picked a card that represented what I got from the weekend, and I pulled Cosmos of the Heart from the Path of the Soul Destiny Cards by Cheryl Lee Harnish.

The card read:

“You are now being called to embark on a new path in your journey. This is an inner path. it is the path of your Heart. It is here where you are discovering your greatest strength of all – that deep connection to your Higher Self and inner guidance. Others may be surprised by your choices. They may even react strongly to them. Do not allow this to stop you. Send those individuals loving energy and continue on letting your Heart direct the way. Take note of the synchronistic events occurring around you as life unfolds in its own divine way.”

What a wondrous way to move forward with this energy.

Several days after the retreat, I’m heading into the  “weekend after” and reintrajectorizing quite well. I stopped by Callanish today, still feeling the energy from YACN on Wednesday night

I don’t live with anyone, unless you consider my pets as my roomies. I somewhat consider them as my kids, cuz I need to feed them, clean up after them, and be there to give and accept their unconditional love. Though, I’m finding it more and more difficult to come home without a partner. And yet, here I am watching some stupid tv show, realizing those that watch this channel are in a position to think they can just change themselves with injections and alterations. Yikes. I am happy just the way I am. It’s too bad not everyone feels the same way.

I really should get to bed. I’m supposed to go to my neice’s dance recital tomorrow, and I’m just not sure I’m going to have it in me to pull myself about of bed in eight hours? I feel like I’ve been too busy this week, yet I’ve really not done much of anything – that’s how I’ve wanted it to be.

Well, goodnight world. I’m feeling inspired after watching “5 love languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

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