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I ask myself almost every day why it’s been so long since I’ve written here. My answer seems complicated to me, wrapped around fear to express, not knowing where to start or how much to share – honestly they are all excuses. I think it truly comes down to the fear of judgement. I don’t feel comfortable being me, in fact, I’ve been on a journey back to me, re-discovering who I actually am.

My whole life I’ve needed acceptance, appreciation and approval from others outside of myself, not listening to my cries for help as a cry to myself

Where have you been?

That little girl version of myself that’s been trapped, screaming for the acknowledgement from me that she’s there. That she’s been through all these things in life with me. Her cries breaking through as physical pain in my body that hasn’t been transmuted from the psyche. The years of fatigue, stiffness, inflammation, constant pain, problems with memory, focus and concentration, digestive issues and insomnia, have all been ways for her to let me know that “we” aren’t fully healed yet. “We” are holding onto feelings and emotions from the past that are ending up manifesting as physical ailments such as depression, anxiety, cancer, autoimmune disorders and burnout.

I’ve asked myself “Why has it been so long since…”

– I’ve truly paid attention to my own needs?
– I’ve accepted myself and have a fantastic relationship with me?
– I’ve allowed myself to surrender?
– I’ve given myself the space to get to know who I really am outside of perceived societal requirements, or expectations from others?
– I’ve stuck up for myself and spoken my truth in an assertive and constructive manner?
– I’ve thought that I could deserve all the good, love and abundance that life has to offer?
– I’ve listened to my intuition versus fear and resistance?

These are all questions I will be addressing in the coming weeks. If you’re feeling stuck on your journey through life and want to know more about your purpose, I invite you to join me and answer those questions. Or, even better, create some of your own and post them in the comments. I will be creating a Facebook page so we can more easily communicate with each other. It will be Turn Your Life Around. I look forward to hearing from you.

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I had the most interesting discussion with my GP today…something I never thought I would hear from his mouth.

I was in for my yearly exam and he asked if I had anything to discuss. I mentioned, that post cancer, I have been off my antidepressants for a year now and that everything has been great! He agreed. He then followed with the fact that too many people were on them, and it has been the pharmaceutical companies and doctors that haven’t taken enough responsibility to ensure they were not only necessary, but also paired with the proper CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

I found this very interesting. 16 years ago depression almost took my life. Well, to be clearer, it was my first bout with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It’s not something I talk a lot about, because not only is it behind me, but I took the proper approach to heal myself, and am thankful I learned the tools then, as they helped me massively years later.

We continued to talk about the fact that antidepressants had their place, but that there were many alternatives.

Something that worked really well for me was EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Honestly, I thought it was a load of crap when my psychologist first presented the idea to me. But holy cow does it ever work. The science behind it makes so much sense. One side of the brain holds onto a specific traumatic memory, and the other side doesn’t recognize or understand it. One side is overly emotional towards it, and the idea is to connect the two sides, reduce the over reaction on one side and basically bridge the gap.

Something else that I am still learning about, but also helps on the spot for anxiety and long term memories, is tapping. Using pressure points on the body to reduce painful memories and also reprocess.

I just felt like I had to share my truth around this, and to demystify some of the talk around depression and mental disorders. Obviously I didn’t cover everything here, but am happy for the space to share even a little bit.

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BSH and MBS

Maybe I have your attention? Or maybe you’ve left because you can’t be bothered to figure out what BSH and MBS stand for.

Well, the latter is easy:

  • Mind
  • Body
  • Spirit

It’s something I pride myself in because I feel that I finally have a good balance in all three. I’ve worked hard on each of them, and will continue to do so until the day I die. Finding my life purpose, really brought everything together – and has melded it so.

The former, is a little more complicated. I met a new friend in February at the Anjali Hill workshop – Living from Truth: Contact. During a recent chat, she made something very clear to me. The right partner for anyone must have all three of the following:

  • Balls
  • Spine
  • Heart

I think brains also needs to be included in this. We may see different factors within each of the three points, but without all three, a true partner cannot exist.

I’ve let her words permeate my being, and they truly resonate with me. It’s likely that all people have all three, but may not be aware of what’s involved for them to be truly present.

What do you think?

Numbers

Another quote from Jake on “Touch” – April 26 episode:

Numbers are constant, until they’re not. Our inability to influence outcome is the great equalizer; makes the world fair. Computers generate random numbers in an attempt to glean meaning out of probability. Endless numerical sequences lacking any pattern. But during a cataclysmic global event: tsunami, earthquake, the attacks of 911 – these random numbers suddenly stop being random. As our collective consciousness synchronizes, so do the numbers. Science can’t explain the phenomenon, but religion does, it’s called prayer. A collective request sent up in unison, shared hope. Numbers are constant, until they’re not.

During cataclysmic global events, our collective consciousness synchronizes. So do of the numeric sequences created by random number generators. Science can’t explain the phenomenon, but religion does, it’s called prayer. A collective request, sent up in unison, a shared hope, a fear relieved, a life spared. Numbers are constant…until they’re not.

In times of tragedy. Times of collective joy. In these brief moments, it is only the shared emotional experience that makes the world seem less random. Maybe it’s coincidence. Or maybe it’s an answer to our prayers.

Wow, so how fitting I am watching this tonight, after spending time with a numerologist named Joseph Ghabi in Vancouver. The episodes normally make me cry, but tonight, their focus on love really got me.

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Abundance

Certain words have been following me around for months now:

  • Awareness
  • Abundance
  • Acceptance

My three A’s seem to be following me this year. Although I began the year with the focus on my heart, with thoughts behind love and everything to do with it.

I’m wanting to write about fertility, but without a title being so “in your face.” I am approaching my 35th birthday in June, and I have to say I somewhat dread it. To not yet be married or with a family really gets to me. The ticking of the clock is no longer. It is now similar to the gong on Jimmy Carson’s “Gong Show.” And an appointment I had at Genesis Fertility only confirmed this is the case.

First off, I must say that asking for the referral was the toughest thing for me. Though my oncologist has been telling me now for the past five years to “have a plan” if I wanted to have a family, I think I was too afraid to see where I was at. So, with my impending 35th on it’s way, I figured this was the year. The office was beautiful. Staff were friendly and it was very welcoming, even if I did go on my own. The ultrasound confirmed that I had 14 follicles on my left ovary, one ready to potentially fertilize. Yeah, well, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Long story…

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It was starting to sprinkle as Lucy and I left the house for our usual after work walk and the air was crisp as I drew it into my nostrils. The cherry blossoms in full bloom I was reminded of the phrase “tree of life.” I have learned to imagine myself as a tree, firmly rooted in the ground, balanced no matter what comes my way. Swaying my arms as I dance, the same as the boughs and limbs of a tree move in the wind.

I also began to think of a new way of picturing this tree. That this tree of life represented every living thing I’ve known, and that when one person leaves or dies, a leaf falls from the tree.

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Peace of Mind

Our world is in the throes of change. In difficult times, the tongue can get carried away and it can transform our best intentions into something we cannot handle. None of us are capable of handing anything on our own. The wisdom of a Higher Power is needed – and it is available to us if we ask. Learn to cast aside those things that interfere with peace of mind, and speak words that will deliver all of us. We have the power, but we must use it.

Joyce Sequichie Hifler – Feast of Days, Volume III, March 26 entry

This weeks Living with Truth practice asks me to do a few things:

  1. List the things I have too much contact and not enough contact with (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual – things, events, and relationships); and
  2. Have contact with something or someone that brings me spiritual joy – choose a different focus each day to find what gives me happiness in my soul and to widen my focus for spiritual fulfillment.

And so I now sit and ponder what exactly these things are. I think I’ve lost touch with them. I used to meditate. I used to do yoga. I used to spend a lot of time in nature. I used to take time for me, not being distracted by material things – tv, music, worldly noises. I find I am now struggling with this. I wonder if it’s been the long winter, the ebb and flow of fulfillment in my work, or that my soul is saddened by all the loss I encounter? Yet, I really think I’ve disconnected myself in some way. That I’m not whole at this moment in time. That I’m unhappy.

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