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Posts Tagged ‘love’

And all through my heart, 

The love has been growing exponentially.

Romantic films and random acts of kindness,

They all have a part,

During this time of year…and always.

It’s a time to hold your loved ones closer,

To appreciate every bit of everything,

And be reminded to be this way every day.

So Happy Holidays to you and yours,

Wishing that your heart sings,

And is full of love, faith and laughter now and the rest of your days.

Sending love and light to you now and always.



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I ask myself almost every day why it’s been so long since I’ve written here. My answer seems complicated to me, wrapped around fear to express, not knowing where to start or how much to share – honestly they are all excuses. I think it truly comes down to the fear of judgement. I don’t feel comfortable being me, in fact, I’ve been on a journey back to me, re-discovering who I actually am.

My whole life I’ve needed acceptance, appreciation and approval from others outside of myself, not listening to my cries for help as a cry to myself

Where have you been?

That little girl version of myself that’s been trapped, screaming for the acknowledgement from me that she’s there. That she’s been through all these things in life with me. Her cries breaking through as physical pain in my body that hasn’t been transmuted from the psyche. The years of fatigue, stiffness, inflammation, constant pain, problems with memory, focus and concentration, digestive issues and insomnia, have all been ways for her to let me know that “we” aren’t fully healed yet. “We” are holding onto feelings and emotions from the past that are ending up manifesting as physical ailments such as depression, anxiety, cancer, autoimmune disorders and burnout.

I’ve asked myself “Why has it been so long since…”

– I’ve truly paid attention to my own needs?
– I’ve accepted myself and have a fantastic relationship with me?
– I’ve allowed myself to surrender?
– I’ve given myself the space to get to know who I really am outside of perceived societal requirements, or expectations from others?
– I’ve stuck up for myself and spoken my truth in an assertive and constructive manner?
– I’ve thought that I could deserve all the good, love and abundance that life has to offer?
– I’ve listened to my intuition versus fear and resistance?

These are all questions I will be addressing in the coming weeks. If you’re feeling stuck on your journey through life and want to know more about your purpose, I invite you to join me and answer those questions. Or, even better, create some of your own and post them in the comments. I will be creating a Facebook page so we can more easily communicate with each other. It will be Turn Your Life Around. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Another quote from Jake on “Touch” – April 26 episode:

Numbers are constant, until they’re not. Our inability to influence outcome is the great equalizer; makes the world fair. Computers generate random numbers in an attempt to glean meaning out of probability. Endless numerical sequences lacking any pattern. But during a cataclysmic global event: tsunami, earthquake, the attacks of 911 – these random numbers suddenly stop being random. As our collective consciousness synchronizes, so do the numbers. Science can’t explain the phenomenon, but religion does, it’s called prayer. A collective request sent up in unison, shared hope. Numbers are constant, until they’re not.

During cataclysmic global events, our collective consciousness synchronizes. So do of the numeric sequences created by random number generators. Science can’t explain the phenomenon, but religion does, it’s called prayer. A collective request, sent up in unison, a shared hope, a fear relieved, a life spared. Numbers are constant…until they’re not.

In times of tragedy. Times of collective joy. In these brief moments, it is only the shared emotional experience that makes the world seem less random. Maybe it’s coincidence. Or maybe it’s an answer to our prayers.

Wow, so how fitting I am watching this tonight, after spending time with a numerologist named Joseph Ghabi in Vancouver. The episodes normally make me cry, but tonight, their focus on love really got me.

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Certain words have been following me around for months now:

  • Awareness
  • Abundance
  • Acceptance

My three A’s seem to be following me this year. Although I began the year with the focus on my heart, with thoughts behind love and everything to do with it.

I’m wanting to write about fertility, but without a title being so “in your face.” I am approaching my 35th birthday in June, and I have to say I somewhat dread it. To not yet be married or with a family really gets to me. The ticking of the clock is no longer. It is now similar to the gong on Jimmy Carson’s “Gong Show.” And an appointment I had at Genesis Fertility only confirmed this is the case.

First off, I must say that asking for the referral was the toughest thing for me. Though my oncologist has been telling me now for the past five years to “have a plan” if I wanted to have a family, I think I was too afraid to see where I was at. So, with my impending 35th on it’s way, I figured this was the year. The office was beautiful. Staff were friendly and it was very welcoming, even if I did go on my own. The ultrasound confirmed that I had 14 follicles on my left ovary, one ready to potentially fertilize. Yeah, well, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Long story…

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It was starting to sprinkle as Lucy and I left the house for our usual after work walk and the air was crisp as I drew it into my nostrils. The cherry blossoms in full bloom I was reminded of the phrase “tree of life.” I have learned to imagine myself as a tree, firmly rooted in the ground, balanced no matter what comes my way. Swaying my arms as I dance, the same as the boughs and limbs of a tree move in the wind.

I also began to think of a new way of picturing this tree. That this tree of life represented every living thing I’ve known, and that when one person leaves or dies, a leaf falls from the tree.

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Our world is in the throes of change. In difficult times, the tongue can get carried away and it can transform our best intentions into something we cannot handle. None of us are capable of handing anything on our own. The wisdom of a Higher Power is needed – and it is available to us if we ask. Learn to cast aside those things that interfere with peace of mind, and speak words that will deliver all of us. We have the power, but we must use it.

Joyce Sequichie Hifler – Feast of Days, Volume III, March 26 entry

This weeks Living with Truth practice asks me to do a few things:

  1. List the things I have too much contact and not enough contact with (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual – things, events, and relationships); and
  2. Have contact with something or someone that brings me spiritual joy – choose a different focus each day to find what gives me happiness in my soul and to widen my focus for spiritual fulfillment.

And so I now sit and ponder what exactly these things are. I think I’ve lost touch with them. I used to meditate. I used to do yoga. I used to spend a lot of time in nature. I used to take time for me, not being distracted by material things – tv, music, worldly noises. I find I am now struggling with this. I wonder if it’s been the long winter, the ebb and flow of fulfillment in my work, or that my soul is saddened by all the loss I encounter? Yet, I really think I’ve disconnected myself in some way. That I’m not whole at this moment in time. That I’m unhappy.

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A year is 365.25 days. Every four years, we get an extra day. February 29 is that day, it fell on a Wednesday this year.

Another day to spend, un-wasted, to cherish.

I am reminded of this as I reflect on a workshop I attended the weekend of February 17, led by Anjali Hill called Living From Truth – Contact: The Missing Link. Outside of this weekend, she spends weekends teaching self-esteem, communication, relationships, cycles, and what this weekend was about: contact. Contact can be distinguished as physical, emotional, ideological, psychological, spiritual and with other people’s thoughts.

The weekend was a powerful one for me. I attended it with my mom and a few of my friends. I’m so thankful to have even a couple of people around me who believe in finding their truth. I know I’m trying to figure out exactly what that is and what it means.I learned what it meant to put my attention on another as a conscious being. This meant that my focus was on them no matter what happened around me, or what they were doing.

The work was done in dyads, or partners of two. I’d never experienced anything like it before. I’ve attended retreats in the cancer community that have allowed me to search myself for issues and things I needed to work on, but this was very different. It gave me time to explore all the types of contact there are.

I had an amazing connection with my mom. At the end of the weekend, the last exercise was to spend one minute taking turns giving each other a flower, while giving all our love and gratitude – without words. Sending energy across from each other as we sat in a room full of people who were doing the same exercise, with music playing in the background. Some were with strangers. Some were partners. Some friends. I sobbed uncontrollably in those two minutes and was fully present. Completely vulnerable with no care about how I looked or what I felt. Just experiencing it for what it was. I will take this with me for the rest of my life. I know that in that perfect moment, I expressed all the love I had for her. All the beautiful memories and care I had received from her. My thanks to her as a divine being. And she is. I am so proud of her for being there for me, and with me.

Given to me with pure love and gratitude by my mom

If you were to move from this plane of existence, would your loved ones know just that; that you loved them? If not, what’s so hard about saying the word? What does it bring up for you? Maybe that’s something you need to sit with for a little while. I know it might hurt, but working through it allows space in your life for something wonderful.

A friend of mine shared with me what they had learned from their recently passed uncle – How to love: up to the ceiling, down to the floor, the whole world round, and a lot, lot more. These are words to live by and I hope that I come across that way to the world, because a good part of the time, I feel it. I am it.

So what are you waiting for? Search for your purpose in life if you haven’t already found it.

What do you want to experience or achieve in your life? Who do you want to be? How do you hope to portray yourself to the world?

I feel that in order to answer these questions, you have to be true to yourself. You have to be vulnerable and experience everything you can in this life. It is happening now! Not tomorrow, next week, next month, next year or five years from now. NOW!

Take a leap and enjoy every possibility handed to you. If it’s not right, turn it down and another door will open. But don’t wait another second for your life to begin, because you and I both know, you don’t know what’s around the corner. It could be a fairy-tale come true, or a complete disaster. And I’m an optimist. Yet I’m also a realist.

I’ve learned enough in these short 34 years that being present in every moment is a goal I strive for, because every moment has something beautiful and amazing to offer.

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